The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
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Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
When the stylist spins you back around
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
this is literally a CIA plant
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.