Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
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Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
fly smarter, not harder
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Lassie, get help!
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*