Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
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[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
my dog when i have a friend over
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.