Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
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Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.