It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
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She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
i meant to share this earlier
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
*swipes right on my hand mirror
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.