When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
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[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still