High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
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Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
black phone good
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa