Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
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“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”