Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
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One of the best
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”