*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
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undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
I’m already scared
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.