Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
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A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no