I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
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Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.