I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
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I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
water it, i dare you
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
it be like that
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.