* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
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Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Does this dress make me look cat?
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
All. The. Damn. Time.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late