Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
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*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?