*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
You Might Also Like
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Thursday Thought.
I鈥檓 like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Me irl
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
I don鈥檛 want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there鈥檚 something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
the composer
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 馃憞馃従
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!