I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
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“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun