Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
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Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
lmao
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh