Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
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The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
when you order from DoorDastardly
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this