every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
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My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”