*mops up wine with cat*
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[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.