Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
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“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
I did not eat the cake…
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.