I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
You Might Also Like
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
doing your own taxes
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.