ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
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God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Breaking news:
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.