Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
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Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?