DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
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holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
Rather alarming headline…
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.