A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
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Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
crazy
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?