My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
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“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
This is what makes twitter great
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that