“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
You Might Also Like
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”