Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
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Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.