Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
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20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.