Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
You Might Also Like
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
こいつ天才
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples