cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
You Might Also Like
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.