If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
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“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this