The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
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[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.