Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
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“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.