WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
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Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.