Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
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When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.