Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
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My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what鈥檚 your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 馃檪
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
3: Daddy, please don鈥檛 do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I鈥檓 looking out my window to see what they are doing.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I鈥檇 like a car loan
Me: I鈥檓 not lending you my car
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
馃幎 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schr枚edi
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.