there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
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If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.