Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
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Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Sponch
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
I want what they have
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.