“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
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instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.