son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
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My daily affirmation
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.