My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
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Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
why no one uses midhusbands
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.