[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
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I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
The government even made aliens boring
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking