True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
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Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
That’s classic.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why