He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
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His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’