(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
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Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.