Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
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16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
True freaking story!