Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
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My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”